Whether the Italians wanted them or not (and that topic has been hotly debated) Snooki, Deena, The Situation, JWoww, Ronnie, Sammi, Pauly D and Vinnie all headed over to Florence. We showed you their beautiful Jersey Shore Season 4 house yesterday.
So what’s new with the crew? Snooki has a new boyfriend, Jionni. Deena’s fame has gone to her head and she now thinks she’s a pop star. Nothing has changed with The Situation, you’ll be glad to learn.
“If she lost some pounds, I’d hit it,” he says of Snooki.
JWoww is still dating Roger and happy to be taking “her boobies” (which she talks about in the third person, so maybe they aren’t really hers) to Italy. Single Ronnie is as annoying as ever, but Sammi is travelling with a new motto: not to cry and sulk. Yeah, good luck with that; you have to breathe sometime!
Pauly and Vinny are on a mission to get laid, and are trying to learn Italian pick-up lines.
So, the boys and girls few out to Italy on separate flights, presumably to add drama and sexual tension to their arrival in the motherland. But first we had to hold a funeral for JWoww’s bronzer right there in the airport as it explodes in her suitcase.
Once over there, Pauly D instantly declares Italy “the most beautifulest country I’ve ever seen.” Then, after much excitement that they have a Jacuzzi (told you they’d like that) the boys grab the “best” bedrooms. But since the other rooms seem exactly the same to me, I don’t think the girls will be to upset.
The girls arrived and we realize that Sammi and Ronnie probably will get back together because what else would they do with their lives? She noticed his “good-lookingness.”
Deena decides to room with Pauly and Vinny and tells us a secret: she wants to be “smush buddies” with Pauly. So that should be something to watch out for.
JWoww marvels at how her (silicone) boobs look smaller, and Sammi’s (silicone?) boobs seem bigger. Snooki declares she wants fake ones, because she hates how hers adhere to the laws of gravity.
It only takes one shot of vodka for Ronnie to sit on a side table and have it immediately collapse, so the Jersey Shore Season 4 crew have started wrecking the beautiful house already. “THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!” Pauly screams, and then reasons that Ronnie is literally too large for Italy.
The saga of Snooki’s sex life began almost immediately with The Sitution (a.k.a. Mike) disappointed that Snooki has a boyfriend. Never mind, though. He decides she’s “going to be single around here.” He knows this because he’s a guy, apparently. Cue an amusing debate with Deena on the nature of men and women.
OK, so Mike is correct; but right now I’m on Team Deena, in need of some of her blind optimism to vaccinate me against the start of “Jersey Shore Season 4.”
The next morning, they discover their cars are stickshift, and Snooki is the only girl who can drive stick. Unfortunately, she also drives terribly. She can barely see over the wheel, and when she can, it makes little difference. The girls get lost, give up and go home, only to be attacked by pigeons. Apparently Italian pigeons “will bite your ears off!” Snooki says so, so it must be true.
Having got lost on the way to the gym, Snooki decides to work out at home.
“It looks like she’s having sex with herself,” says Pauly D.
I’m not sure whether that was my favorite moment of the whole show or whether The Situation provided that when he told Ronnie that he and Snooki hooked up two or three months ago, while she was with her current boyfriend and admits he “kind of likes her!”
But can someone please tell him a poodle died on his head!
The kitchen is used for more than opening takeout boxes. The girls have to curl and straighten their hair in there because they are the only working outlets.
“Talk about disgusting,” says JWoww, who apparently does have some standards.
Deena burns some of her hair off but don’t worry, because it’s fake.
Heading out to the bar, the girls are dressed like hookers and the boys decide they need Vinny to translate for them. But the language of sex seems universal and soon Snooki and The Situation are playing kissy face. While everyone worries that maybe he won’t be respectful toward her relationship during this trip, The Situation concentrates on his usual tactic of spoiling everything good that he touches.
But wait! Next, Pauly D and Deena were tongue-wrestling. Be gone, evil image! What a way to end the premiere of “Jersey Shore Season 4.” The rest of the season promises more sex, fights, drunkenness, break-ups and make-ups, tantrums and road trips.
I can’t wait. Can you?